One Year of Reflection

eunice
Designed by: Samantha Yates

How has a year gone by already?

That’s right, it’s been a year since I made the decision to move from Missouri to Florida. I have learned so much about myself in a year of reflection and grown tremendously as a person. Most people know that I moved so I could be closer to my family, but that’s only half of the reason. I also made the choice to move so I could figure my life out. And what I mean by that was my depression and anxiety were getting the best of me. I’m not exaggerating when I say I was at the lowest point in my life last year.

I’ve always been an anxious person, especially with certain situations. But last year I began starting to realize how bad my depression and anxiety really was. This is when you really can’t judge someone because the happiest person can actually be really sad inside, and that person was me. Now if you know me or have ever met me, I don’t look like someone who would be depressed. Keyword being “look”. That’s probably because I can do a pretty good job of holding my feelings in and acting like everything is okay. The problem with that is I can burst at anytime. I can’t exactly pin point where my anxiety has come from. I’ve lived a pretty good and normal life yet sometimes I hate it, I’m so sad that I don’t want to be here.

This doesn’t mean I’m never been a happy person, because I definitely have. I continue to try to get back to that point in my life where I was the happiest. Like everyone else I can have my good days and my bad days. But sometimes those bad days are extremely bad and even unexpected. It can be a little difficult for me to explain my anxiety because no one will understand exactly what I’m trying to say. I can’t control when I have an anxiety attack, it just happens. There have been times where I didn’t go out or go places my friends invited me because my anxiety got in the way. I’ve made up excuses like I’m sick or I have to work when really it was my anxiety. I wasn’t choosing to stay in because I hated going out or that I hated being around my friends. I chose to stay in because I would be afraid that I would panic. The feelings of still wanting to go would be there because I would have FOMO (fear of missing out) when I saw everyone having fun, but anxiety just got the best of me.

There have been a handful of times where I have harmed myself. Where I have thought I’m not good enough, I’m done; I don’t want to be here. I’m not proud of the things I’ve done because of my depression but what I am proud of is that I got the help I needed. Before, I was scared to talk about my anxiety and depression because I thought it made me sound crazy. But I realized there is nothing wrong with admitting there is a problem. As I’ve seen and read articles, I learned that we do need to break the stigma of mental health. Educate yourself and put the word out there that everything will be okay. Talk about it, ask for the help you need and don’t be ashamed. As long as you believe there is a solution, everything will be all right. Life is truly a journey and will have ups and downs. It’s the way you handle it and yourself that will get you through it and make you a stronger person.

As I’ve said before, there was a point in my life were I was genuinely happy and everything in my life was unbelievably good. During this time I prayed to God a lot, I thanked God for everything I had, I wrote in my journal as if I were talking to God. So trying to find myself and my way back to that point, I did a lot of praying to God again… I guess more like questioning. As more bad things were happening, I didn’t know if He was really listening. “Why me?” But instead of asking “why God why me?” I then took a second and looked from a different perspective. I began to think “why not me?” God chose me to be in this situation and to live this life. He believes that I would be strong enough to conquer all my worries and fears.

God chose me because he saw my strength to be able to withstand what I was going through. He didn’t just pick me to go through these struggles so I can go through it and say whatever, give up or go back to the bad ways. He picked me so I could lean on him and pass what I have learned on to others that may be struggling or going through a same situation as me. Whatever situation you may be in or whatever hardships you are struggling with, know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have those moments when I get overwhelmed and think I want to throw the towel in and call it quits. But we can’t live like that! We can’t live feeling sorry for ourselves or dwelling on the past. So know that whether your situation is amazing, terrible, horrible, or heartbreaking that God chose you! If you have faith that everything you are going through happens for a reason then you will come out a million times stronger!

Though I miss everyone and everything in Missouri, I’m 100% pleased with the decision I made. Even though I didn’t realize it then, all the things that I went through happen for a reason and it’s lead me here today.

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