Change is something that happens in our lives daily some of those are bad some are quite good. I’ve come to realize that in the past I didn’t do so well with change especially the big kind. I hate it so much that I fear it but I can’t stop it from coming. I know that nothing in life ever stays the same and that change can be a good thing. Sometimes change is everything.
There has been a lot of change that has happen in my life these past two years and I’ll be the first to admit I couldn’t handle it. Of course I thought I could. First it started off with little things like finding out that because I transferred schools I was going to have an extra semester or even an extra year of school. Yes, I understood that it’s a common thing but in my head I always had a plan on when I wanted to graduate and what I wanted to do after I graduated. Being set back changed my plans and I felt like I wasn’t in control. It took me awhile before I could finally accept it.
While I was able to transfer schools my family had the opportunity to move to Florida, which has been a dream for my parents since I was in the 3rd grade. Even though I was young I knew what I wanted. After starting 3rd grade in a new school trying to make new friends I knew I didn’t want to have to start that process all over again. So my parents put their plans on hold for me. Which I am forever grateful for, because if it weren’t for them making a tiny sacrifice I wouldn’t have the amazing friends and experiences that I’ve had to this day. When the day finally came everything just worked out the way it should, I was transferring schools and my family was moving states. It was okay for me this time around because I thought, if I’m away from home anyway because of school and doing my own thing, there is no point in holding my parents back. I can’t speak for my brother and sister but I don’t think they minded as much as I did when I was younger.
And while all of this was going on my dad was in and out of the hospital we weren’t sure what was going on but we then later found out his kidneys weren’t working the way they should. So he eventually got put on dialysis. If you don’t know what that is Google it…Or the straightforward version is since my dad’s kidneys don’t work the way they should he has to be hooked up onto a machine to help his kidney function properly. Winter was also really harsh for my dad’s body, his oxygen levels would get really low to the point where he couldn’t breathe. So moving to a warmer place was better for him in everyway. This is the part in my life were all the change that was happening was scary yet I knew that is was positive and I was genuinely happy for not only my family but for me as well. Nothing stays the same for too long though.
Sometimes you have to go through some bad crap to make you a stronger person. So this part is always really difficult for me to write about. It’s one of the reasons I’ve put off this post. Honestly this was one of the hardest changes I’ve gone through by far. Let’s just say it sucked so much. DISCLAIMER: I’m not sharing this part of my life because I want people to feel sorry for me. If anything that is the last thing I want. I don’t like to talk about personal things for that reason. I absolutely don’t need or want any pity from anyone. All I want is to share what I’ve gone through and what I’ve felt for those that are maybe feeling alone and are going through somewhat the same thing.
A new year bring new changes, 2015 did just that for me. It is always hard to see any person sick. For me it was my dad. He was going through dialysis, which was going well for him. Sometimes it took a lot out of him, he had his good days and his bad. My dad was out of the hospital for a while and just took life day by day. I would get updates from my family while they were in Florida and I was at school. But one day I got a call from my mom saying my dad had to go to the emergency room. Without her having to tell me I knew it was bad but she said not to worry, that it was only pneumonia. In the pit of my stomach I knew it was more than that so of course all I did was worry. It was ten times harder for me since my parents weren’t just a couple hours away.
With my dad being in the hospital for weeks I felt sad and helpless all the time. And if you really know me you would know how much my dad means to me. So anytime I would talk about my dad at all, I would get so sad that I wanted to cry. Or if I did talk about what was happening I would only say a few things then when I got home or was by myself I would cry, like hardcore ugly crying. There was even a time I almost started crying at work because I saw a little girl sitting around her dad’s shoulders. Seeing that gave me flashbacks of my childhood with my dad and all the fun things we did which made me miss him so much more. I was an emotional wreck but I tried so hard to make it seem like I was okay, to be the happy positive person everyone knows. Though my mind is always racing with different thoughts, adding something like this made me feel like I wasn’t truly living life and being fully there in the moments.
One day my mom called me with an update and she told me my dad was having some blockage in his heart and would need quadruple bypass surgery. Even though I didn’t know what that all entailed, in that moment is when I lost it. She hadn’t even given me all the details yet but all I could think were the worst possible things. I held in my tears while I was on the phone but you could hear in my voice that I was on the verge of bawling my eyes out. She then told me that he wouldn’t be able to have surgery until his pneumonia was gone. With my dad’s health record, who knew when that would be? I hated that we had to wait.
After finding that out my outlook on life was completely different, not as positive as it was. I absolutely hated, dreaded, eyes rolling back when people told me, “Everything is going to be okay.” I had that mindset of nothing in life is guaranteed so don’t give me some false hope and I usually didn’t think that way. I would usually find some positive in the situation but I just couldn’t do that this time. Since I didn’t know what would happen all I could do was think and only think about the negatives. What if my dad’s surgery goes wrong? What would I do if I loose him? I’m not ready. And so much more was racing in my head.
I never thought something like this would affect me so much. I didn’t know my eyes could produce so many tears the way they did. I had a lot of sleepless nights and started turning to things I probably shouldn’t have when I was sad. Finally the day of my dad’s surgery came. The night before I wanted so badly to be able to see him so I asked if I could FaceTime him since that was the closest thing I could get. Talking to him didn’t make it any easier for me it made me more scared. I just wanted it to be the next day so I could hear my mom telling me it all went well. Even though I questioned God a lot through all of it. I prayed before I went to bed. My mom called me after my dad’s surgery and said he made it and that he is now resting.
I was relieved, more than relieved that my dad was okay. But after having experience all that, emotionally I became a different person. I lost faith in everything. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. Not just because of what was happening with my dad but my actions and so many other things happening in my life at the time which some of those are another story, another lesson, for another day. But one of those things I did realize was I didn’t know what I wanted my career to be anymore. What I thought I wanted wasn’t really what I wanted; it was what my parents wanted for me. And I thought at the end of the day was that going to make me happy? I was really lost, didn’t really care about school, and started slacking off more. I was into the second semester of junior year and didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life while a lot of my friends knew what they wanted. In every way possible I just didn’t know anymore. I was stuck in a rut thinking, “I can’t wait till 10 years later in my life when I have everything together.” I wanted to be able to fast-forward life and get back to the person I used to be.
I knew I couldn’t fast-forward life but I could make a choice. So I made the choice to move to Florida to be closer to my family and to a start fresh. I didn’t want to leave my friends and the life I had in Missouri. But I had to take a chance on something new especially if I wanted anything to change and get out of my rut I was in. And here I am today better than I was a year ago. It’s all about how you look at life, though I lost my way I think I’m slowing finding my way back. If you made it this far, here’s my advice…
If life isn’t going the way you want, do something about it. Don’t just think eventually it will happen because sometimes it doesn’t. Why act tomorrow when today could be the day. Live now and not later. Life waits for no one so make the choice, to take the chance, if you want anything in life to change.